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I’ve been drawing waterproofing details all week, and it might be affecting me. So, I’ll let you in on a secret. There are certain things that Architects may say or do that are clear warning signs of future water infiltration problems. I think the kids are calling them “leaks” these days. If you happen to be reviewing the drawings with your Architect and you’re drifting off to sleep as he waxes and wanes and waves his arms around, try to perk up a little if you hear him say one of these things. These are just euphemisms for leaks. So, beware, and, begin the process of lining up expert witnesses.

 If your Architect has endeavored to dissolve the barrier between inside and out – you might have a leak

If your Architect has flooded the interior spaces with natural light – you might have a leak (yes, they will actually use the word “flooded”)

If your Architect has written a specification – you might have a leak. If your Architect has not written a specification – you might have a leak. If you Architect does not know what a specification is – you might have a leak.

If your Architect uses the term “innovative” – you might have a leak.

If your Architect drives a Porsche Cayman – you might have a leak (seriously, they might as well where a sandwich board sign that says “the end is near” on one side and “I can’t afford a 911” on the other.)

If your Architect has “streamlined the process” – you might have a leak.

If your Architect has designed the building to be “one with nature” – you might have a leak.

If your Architect has developed custom software to facilitate the design and fabrication of the elaborate titanium undulating forms representing the unrest of our current economic climate – you might have a leak (that’s right, I’m looking at you Frank Gehry)

If your Architect misspells the word “Bituminous” on his drawings – you might have a leak (actually, that’s not fair, no one can spell that)

If your Architect has positioned the building on the site to align with …well, anything – you might have a leak.

If your Architect thinks it’s a good idea to position the building on TOP of the stream, so you can “experience” the rushing water – you might have a leak (yep, looking at you Frank Lloyd Wright)

If your Architect belongs to a “school” of design – Such as “my practice closely follows the principles of the <insert ist> school of design” – you might have a leak.

If your Architect has elevated the building on something called “pilotis” to take advantage of the views or to *gasp* make the building appear to float – you might have a leak

If your Architect places the building close to the river, next to the specimen oak tree, and elevates the building a foot or so above the “flood plain” neglecting to take into account the massive future developments upstream that will drastically alter the storm water run-off patterns thereby raising the water levels of the river – you might have a leak or a flood (looking at you Mies)

If your Architect claims that a “flat roof” would be more in keeping with the urban characteristics of the surrounding area – you might have a leak.

If your front porch collapses and kills more than 3 Architects – you might have a leak (wait, I think that is a redneck joke kinda fun though, how about:

If your Architect calls the “double-wide” at the top of the hill the “fancy house” – you might have a leak. (Yep, that is fun…)

If your Architect doesn’t remove the cigarette from his mouth while he tells the State Trooper to kiss his ass – you might have a leak (probably driving the Cayman too fast)

I’m guessing you guys can come up with a few of these, can’t you? So how about adding your own “might be a redneck-Architect-leak-joke-thing” into that comment section down there.  I promises to give the person with the best one a cookie (not really, crap, now I’m hungry)

Jody { coffee with an architect }

photos from Aturkus’ photostream on Flickr (used under creative commons license)