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I don’t understand why is my house so aggressively isolated? What’s with all the empty rooms?

I mean would it kill you to put a plant in there? Or a bowl full of lemons? Or at least a piece of furniture? I mean, it doesn’t need to be a plush velvet Victorian love-seat. You could just ease into the concept with a french bent wood chair that smells of brie and post-war enthusiasm. And maybe throw a rug on the floor. Christ, it’s like an ice box in here. Are you actually cooling the polished concrete flooring somehow? Is there an elaborate system of pipes running under there filled with liquid nitrogen and vodka? Because you could hang meat in here.

My cat is refusing to come back inside. I think she may be onto something.

I have an idea. Why don’t you make that wall a little more transparent? Because I’m standing here wearing nothing but a thin white silk robe, and what I really need is a few more people to stare at me while I think about buying curtains. I usually pass through here around 8:00 a.m. on my way to the shower. Maybe we could sell tickets.

But, I get it: “Transparency dissolves the barrier between the interior and the exterior, anchoring the design in the natural environment.” I get it. But, you know what? I built this house specifically to separate me from the natural environment. Because it’s cold out there, and it’s covered in moss and sticks and frogs, and I’m standing here in a semi-transparent silk frock trying to stay warm by dancing back and forth on my heels. I don’t need to dissolve any more barriers. I need some curtains. And a space heater.

And remind me, when did “open plan” come to mean “I’m sorry you have no furniture”. What? Am I homeless? Sure, the space flows, and that is awesome and all, but where am I supposed to sit while I think about how open this plan really is? and where am I supposed to sit while I write you a thank you note for this vast post-industrial warehouse loft you’ve labeled “master bedroom suite” on the plans you gave me? How about we tighten up this “open plan” and frame out a closet. I need a place to hang this robe.

Also, is all this concrete really necessary?

“Less is More” you said. “Less is more.”

Bullshit, you know what “Less” is?

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“Less” is fucking freezing.

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the photo is from A. Strakey’s photostream on Flickr and has been used under the creative commons license