Sometime in 2014 I just stopped writing.

Actually, I started to fizzle out a few years before. I started to lose my focus I think. When I started this blog I was not in the best place. I had lost my job. I was floundering to find my way in a new economic climate. I was still idealistic about my work. Like most architects, I believed that I could solve most, if not all problems through design. I could sharpen my pencil, and simply sketch my way out of my fiscal misadventures. If the designs were inspiring enough, people would reach towards it, wallet in hand. I didn’t think so at the time, but I was young. I still had a flame of reckless optimism powering my creativity.

Then sometime in 2014, that flame burned out.

I told myself that I was busy with new work. I put my head down to push through the work. I built a firm. I hired help. I made money. I solved other peoples problems. I started another firm. I merged with another firm. I missed meetings with bankers. Business was good. I told myself I stopped writing because I was distracted by my responsibilities. Or on a good day, I was blinded by my own success. But, I didn’t really believe it.

Sometime in 2015, I dropped my phone, 3 times.

A wide pool of dark liquid had risen above my eyes. The room had filled with shadows and vibrations. My thoughts had become clouded, steeped in a fog. I would walk into concepts or rooms or plans or chores, and look around wondering how I got here? There could be voices just outside the corners. What was I looking for? Where was I going? I was driving my mind aimlessly about, searching for the turn I missed 5 blocks ago. I was floating. I was numb. I was looking at my Japanese knives, fascinated by the sharpness. I lowered myself to the floor. I turned off lights. I was terrified.

Sometime in August of 2017 I drank a bottle of vodka. Then I took my small Japanese knife, and walked into the woods.

It took a while for me to realize that I have depression. And, it took even longer to ask for help. And to try to get better. And I’m not really ok. But, I’m better. My chemistry is more in balance.

So I started writing again today.

I might write about architecture again. But, I’m not sure if I need to.

J