My fees will be inversely proportional to how much your project makes me hate myself.

My fees will be adjusted to account for how much time you spend looking at the drawings.

I give a discount if you look at the drawings.

My fees will increase if you review my drawings with your nephew who went to “design” school.

My fees will increase as my patience decreases.

My fees will reflect the level of quality implied by the design of my business cards.

My fees are not meant to be ironic.

My fees cover the work I do as well as the work you don’t do.

My fees are not meant to imply a level of interest in your project.

No, my fees are not too high, stop laughing.

The invoice will remove the barrier between the interior and exterior of your wallet.

My fees are due upon completion of my thoughts.

I charge more for more details. I charge even more for less details.

My fees can not be reduced by having me do less because of course Less is More.

I charge more and do less.

My fees will be marked up 20% if you choose your own colors, 50% if you have your spouse choose the colors.

My fees reflect the professional that I am. Prompt payments are appreciated. Delayed payments will be appreciated. Severely delayed payments will be appreciated. Really just paying me at all will be appreciated.

Your invoice is overdue. I’ll remove part of the design everyday until payment is received.

Please remit payment to the architect.

Please.

Photo by Phil Roeder on Flickr